the ballad of easy rider

when i was 21 and drove myself and my two best friends across the country, a wave of music followed behind my old beater toyota van. what i remember most is The Byrds singing us all the way from the east coast down the mountains to graceland, over through shawnee to tucumcari, onward to taos and santa fe, before we came to rest in colorado. twelve years ago, and i can remember it like it was yesterday.

i dont’ know why i conjured up this memory today while i was ankle deep in a beautiful creek with my son. while we cooled our feet, i was thinking of the creek of my childhood. how that nameless creek shaped me into who i am. the hours upon hours i spent crouched down on the banks. throwing rocks, washing leaves, wandering upstream in search of snapping turtles.

today i wished i was back there again with my son. but time is a place only left for memory. today we splashed and played and talked and hiked in search of treasures. we came home with full hands. and i came home with a slight longing to be somewhere else. if only… if only i had a creek like this in my own backyard. with an expanse of green hill rolling down to it, shaded by the willow trees. it was perfect in my childhood, right down to the red creaky footbridge with a few planks missing. if only… if only i could have it all.

i wonder if my son will have a place like this in his heart, in his memory of childhood. i can only hope so, and fill our days with hours spent here at my favorite spot in austin. but this longing, this desire is what gets me into trouble with my frequent itch for moving. i dont’ know why my heart beats gypsy blue blood.

not all songs belong to river. some songs we sing aloud in the car are my memory, and my memory alone. but this song that carried me from the east coast in the mid-1990’s now belongs to my son as well. it’s ours together. ballad of easy rider.

The river flows
It flows to the sea
Wherever that river goes
That’s where I want to be
Flow river flow
Let your waters wash down
Take me from this road
To some other town

All he wanted
Was to be free
And that’s the way
It turned out to be
Flow river flow
Let your waters wash down
Take me from this road
To some other town

Flow river flow
Past the shaded tree
Go river, go
Go to the sea
Flow to the sea

The river flows
It flows to the sea
Wherever that river goes
That’s where I want to be
Flow river flow
Let your waters wash down
Take me from this road
To some other town

sister for a day

i come from a family of boys. brothers. cousins. neighborhood friends. i never had a sister of my own, i was always intrigued by the relationship i saw being the girl surrounded by boys. the stories, the bond: it was the secret lives of sisters. it grew to mythical proportions… unfamiliar to me, but something i secretly coveted.

when tracey approached me a couple weeks ago to be a guest blogger at shutter sisters, i was floored. ‘please say yes’, she said. um… me? are you sure you dialed up the right number?! of course i will! {blush}

what an honor! so, today you can find me as honorary sister… sharing the photo love and a few words of my very own, over at shutter sisters. pop on over there and share my love!

photography auction

a few weeks ago, my eyes opened wide when i read what tracey had written about gathering hope on a shutter sisters post about a mother and a son and a very limited amount of time. it led me on the path to find these people and somehow contribute, even if by way of sharing art. i found bella and her ebay auction for this cause and i emailed her right away. “how can i help?”

some shutter sisters (and i’m sure numerous others, the details have all been behind the scenes) have pulled together some photography to donate for auction that will be held on ebay.

today is the day the auction goes live! check out bella for more info, or go to the ebay link directly to see all the artisan products for sale.
please, pass it on to anyone interested!

these are the 8×10 photographs i have contributed for the auction.

the ebay auction is up and running beginning today, Friday April 25th.

earth day

nuture nature.
celebrate our gifts.

find peace today.
that’s my plan.
happy earth day!

“the earth laughs in flowers.”
~ ralph waldo emerson

in search of beauty

adjust your focus, meredith!

stop and look up.

notice the details.

beauty is all around you.

this has been a hard week. an emotional week. kenny and i fluctuate between strong and stronger. weak and weakest. to be expected i guess when having the rug yanked from under you. it hurts all around, it hurts to fall. it hurts to grow. but for some reason i just keep coming back to the concept of natural progression. sure, growth is painful. but it seems to be exactly as it is supposed to be. and i find comfort in that.

i’ve been surrounded by friends this week (moreso than usual, as i tend to hermit myself up in my santuary of a backyard and quietness of mind and nature) but being busy every day this week has given me alot of clarity. it’s also provided a source of learning to photograph other subjects than my own child, but there’s something else there. i keep walking away from each day thinking “i’m so damn lucky.” i’m lucky to have these amazing people in my life. all of them. even those not photographed. even those in other states. even those so very far away. even those i haven’t seen in years or decades. you all know who you are.

but this, my inner circle, my extended family here in austin: our kids have known each other since birth practically, and i love that. for them. for me. for us. i feel like we carry each other through. like we unknowingly carried each other through the years, tied with invisible strings for safety in numbers.

something i have learned this week is how wonderful it is to be welcomed into homes and to photograph children. they let me in. they play and peek and play and peek and they allow me this luxury… they allow me to view them through my camera lens. this is beautiful, this gift of presence.

and i walk away feeling like i know these kids even more than ever. like i’ve seen the light that shines out from them and touches others.

and for that i am so very grateful.

when in doubt…

hit the trail.
hug a tree.

lay down in the tall grass and let the crickets whisper secrets to you and only you.
try to breathe and breathe and breathe it all in before it all disappears before your eyes.

share the love.
sometimes love is the only word worth saying.

my smile for today was found on shutter sisters .
check it out, i made the daily click!

eat pray love

my dad traveled alot when i was a kid. i mean, alot. he was never home. i remember one time my mom mentioning that one year he was gone 250 days. she raised the three of us this way. on her own. sometimes at night, i would crawl into bed with her and wake in her room in the morning. i was welcome there.

when i was in the 7th grade i went to my first junior high dance. all chicken legs and longs arms overflowing from a dress. there was a boy there who was spouting off Nostradamus like he was a grown adult. he mentioned that tonight, this very night, was predicted to be the end of the world. he probably saw the fear in my face, like my deer eyes were caught in the high beams and he really went on and on about it all.

that night, i crawled into bed with my mom. at the age of 13, i sniffled as i thought she lay there sleeping. i was worried sick. there were so many things i wanted to do in my life! how can it be over already? what’s gonna happen to everyone? where will all those spirits go?

my mom rolled over and commented for me to hush that she was trying to say her prayers.

prayers?
she prays?
how could i not know this?

over the past six months, i’ve been getting signs. or sentences, rather. from books. from runes. from tarot cards and fortune cookies. they all say the same thing: Pray.

and that causes a full body wince, my teenage self rears its ugly head in rebuttle of the technicality of the word ‘pray’ and the vagueness of the word ‘god’… and so i sit on my prickly cushion of angst for a bit denying me my own true self until i readjust my perspective. turn it to how it fits my life. it’s not the “Are you there God, it’s me Margaret” of my childhood. it’s more the calling out. the opening of my breath. the opening of my heart. like i’m tilting my head to the stars, to the night sky, sending my beam of light out there. just to speak to breath to converse with the universe. to think outloud.

and when i do. i fill up. i listen. i see. and i feel like a seedling at it’s strongest bursting through the soil with such strength and perseverance. like it comes from me but outside of me. this pulling, this little bit of light that whispers “grow, grow” and i hear. and i listen. and i like to think that i grow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a few weeks ago i picked up Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book Eat, Pray, Love and stumbled on my own self when i read this passage at the end of the book:

“Zen buddhists say that an oak tree is brought into creation by twoforces at the same time. obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. everybody can see that. but only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well. the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity.ln this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.”

one part free will. one part fate.
just like with everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a friend of mine had an awakening last week at the park, she told me “it’s like there are no mistakes!” and i was just laughing and felt like i was stoned or tripping or something, ‘of course’ i told her! we never know why. i shared this comment with an old friend of mine recently, who is knee deep in a tricky situation. i was sky high with spring fever and new blooms and new opportunities. i went on and on, balancing on my soapbox about how there are no mistakes. there are only curves in the road leading us to where we need to be. to fully experience the lesson we are to learn this time around, in this life.

the beauty of this rant is that i really truly believe this. it’s all that gets me through. it’s called faith. full hearted. and i have faith that you, whoever you are, will come through whatever you are being handed, with what was intended. you just have to readjust your focus a bit. let go of somethings. believe that the universe knows what its doing, even when it’s painful, even when it pushes you beyond your limits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and then it was friday.
and shit always seems to go down on fridays.

my son was born on a friday.
our company dissolved on a friday.
a job was lost this friday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

where’s my faith now?
is it intact?
is the universe mocking me?
i think so.
but that’s ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~

there will be a time, at some place in the future. there will be a time nine years from now when my 42 year old self stands with her 12 year old son beside her. with both feet firmly planted on the ground at the base of the Appalachian Trail. we’ll stand at the base of those Georgian mountains and look forward to our 2000+ mile hike ahead of us. we will look back at this place. this today. and we will see the hardest years of our life. we will see the emotional rollercoaster of these years. we will see the paths clearly like a road map.. we will see the paths taken, the paths that led us to this place, and it will all make sense.

when you ask the universe for strength every night for three years, it answers by delivering you situations that cause you to grow strong.

prayers get answered in the most unforeseen ways.

but it’s never the end of the world.

what do you like today?

hours upon hours are spent playing restaurant in our house. whether in daddy’s wardrobe, in the pantry, or outside in the garden… the most asked question i hear these days is “what do you like today?”

i love it because i know he means food preferences, but it gets me thinking nonetheless. what do i like about today? what would i change if i could?

this game is universal among all kids. it’s somehow ingrained in the hardwiring of children to play restaurant. to play ‘meal time’ or ‘delivery guy’ or ‘market stocker’ (one of river’s favorites)

this is how i cook dinner. river drags his stepstool up to the pantry and rearranges my shelves. he’s a stocker at the market, but he’s also the delivery guy (very convenient) and the provider of all goodness, most are things i never knew i wanted. i chop the veggies and he asks questions “what else do you like today? do you need to bake with it?” i saute the onion and he delivers me the goods in various forms of cans and boxes (all mislabeled and i confuse the salt for cloves and the diced green chiles for chocolate chips for instance). it’s hard to keep it all straight in this grocery store in river’s mind. but he’s methodical in his organizing.

by the time dinner is ready we have made a thousand meals, delivered a hundred dishes, and rearranged a dozen times.

“i’m the peanut butter man and you’re the jelly lady. you’re the cheese woman and i’m the little mouse. i’m the oil man. here’s some cheddar bunnies for you cause i’m the cheddar bunny man. here’s some cloves cause i’m the clove man. no, that salt is not salt, it is cinnamon cause i’m the cinnamon guy. do you need more cinnamon from the cinnamon store? do you know that straybay is another type of chocolate chips?”

love is everywhere

i’ve stumbled upon something here. something i knew deep in my heart but it lay buried like a seed dormant in winter. it’s just now reaching up to see the light. and it feels what is true.

and what is true is that love is everywhere.
this is my new mantra.
and i’m sticking to it.

my mom laughed at a comment of mine the other day on the phone, she said, “you always look for the silver lining!” it’s true. i search it out, i spy it, i need it. and when i find the positive, i cling to it for dear life. it is the string hanging from the balloon that is capable of lifting me up up and away. and when i’m high above everything on my silver lined cloud i look down to see the city below me and again i am reminded that love is everywhere.

i love thursdays. i always have since it’s river and my “day off” from school, from alarm clocks, from schedules. i hook myself up each and every wednesday night. i clean the house, i do the dishes, i do the laundry, i knock out all my chores in a matter of hours. because i know that thursday is around the corner and i want to bask in its glory every week. thursday is my silver lining.

we rise slowly and often early but it doesn’t matter much. we stay in pajamas and river climbs into the front window to wait for the beloved rockstar garbagemen to come with their heavy trucks. sometimes the neighbors get to see me in all my morning glory run down the gravel driveway in barefeet with our trash and recycling before they are left behind.

thursdays are slow like molasses, in the sweet sticky sort of way. thursdays are anything goes. thursdays are love.

a few months ago, i came upon a community of women photographers who called themselves Shutter Sisters. i kneeled before them. i was wowed, inspired, and devoted to learning more and more just for the passion blooming in me. when i held my camera. every morning with my cup of chai i read my daily news (ie: soulemama and shutter sisters) but i look forward to thursdays especially since the phrase “love thursday” appeared back in january. what is this?! someone feels the same as me?! how wonderful!

some people know me only as camerashymomma ( a name that is self titled because it fits, because that is who i am, ontop of many other things) but i have been honored to share the same pages with some amazing shutter sisters when they recognize my photography, especially on Love Thursdays! if you read the fine print you’ll find camerashymomma smiling back at you. and i’m honored and inspired all over again. it’s a love circle, and it never ends. love begets love. positivity begets positivity.

hope you all find some love today. remember that it is everywhere. the above photo of the leaf holding a heart was discovered while taking the trash out. how careless, someone left their heart laying out in the grass. lucky me! i photographed it laying on our empty gas can to bring the heart out from within.