33 and 3

this is reality. this is 6pm on a saturday evening just before dinner is served. this is the kitchen door that slams. this is the back step, the concrete slab that soaks up sun and burns our barefeet. this is the heat, the need, the comfort we find. this is us.

i am noticing more.

i am noticing that i speak in exclamations, type in laughter, add smiling faces unnecessarily. i am noticing that i seek out the sunshine, the bouncing light, the hidden hearts. these are the things i notice when i go searching. these are the eyes that look out upon the world. as if i’m trying to convince myself of something. trying to fool myself with smiles and exclamations and pretty pretty things.

these are simply things i want. i want to gather beauty around me. i want to be surrounded by love. but i am noticing that these very same eyes change when looking inward. they are dark and puffy and real. i am not sunshine. i don’t need to be convinced of anything, i simply feel. and that is exactly as it should be. i dont’ need to hide, i find comfort in the light and the dark.

i am noticing that we are rattling the bars of our cage.

you are like me. your own fury, your own sound, your own voice sometimes scares you. we experience this push pull in life. this is us. these relationships that pull like taffy, stretched so thin that you just can’t believe there’s any more slack. then it folds upon itself and wraps itself around you with sticky arms of love.