this is reality. this is 6pm on a saturday evening just before dinner is served. this is the kitchen door that slams. this is the back step, the concrete slab that soaks up sun and burns our barefeet. this is the heat, the need, the comfort we find. this is us.
i am noticing more.
i am noticing that i speak in exclamations, type in laughter, add smiling faces unnecessarily. i am noticing that i seek out the sunshine, the bouncing light, the hidden hearts. these are the things i notice when i go searching. these are the eyes that look out upon the world. as if i’m trying to convince myself of something. trying to fool myself with smiles and exclamations and pretty pretty things.
these are simply things i want. i want to gather beauty around me. i want to be surrounded by love. but i am noticing that these very same eyes change when looking inward. they are dark and puffy and real. i am not sunshine. i don’t need to be convinced of anything, i simply feel. and that is exactly as it should be. i dont’ need to hide, i find comfort in the light and the dark.
i am noticing that we are rattling the bars of our cage.
you are like me. your own fury, your own sound, your own voice sometimes scares you. we experience this push pull in life. this is us. these relationships that pull like taffy, stretched so thin that you just can’t believe there’s any more slack. then it folds upon itself and wraps itself around you with sticky arms of love.
i can’t write. i am so moved. you type my truth.
River is gifted with a momma who is a kindred spirit. There is nothing than can serve him better in this world.
kim, i’m glad to hear your words. glad to share this truth. thank you hay, thank you.
amen to hay. and yes you type like you can see my soul. the light, the hearts, the happy. some days i feel a fraud. most days. unsettled, isolated. you put words together that i cannot. thank you for that.
I am like that too. I am not sunshine, at least not completely. But I grew with that label and that job. I am not that anymore. Lost many people in the way, but maybe those were the not worth it relationships. The holding ones are the keepers.
I met this truth you are talking about in my process of learning how to sing (or walking through my own singing spirit). I tumbled many times with literal scary voices of me. And I learned to embrace them, and maybe let them go when they weren’t fruitful. But always need to listen to them.
I like your ideas.
I love it when I stumble into brilliance…yes you!
I came here from bullseye baby. Lovely writing. Thank you.
omg! why have i never been here before? i thought your images were stunning but your writing… oh your writing speaks to me on a whole other level.
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What a blessing to have a mom that understands and child that lives truth. Together you walk and that is special.
You are an amazing woman and I’m better for knowing you. I learn so much from both you and K. It’s a true privilege.
oh, but you ARE sunshine, and brilliance, and warmth. my heart is warmed just by reading your words alone. thank you! xo