full circle

the last day of something old.

the first day of something new.

last and first both happening simultaneously on a hot august day. my car was broken, my tooth was broken, my home was broken, and i was about to head to my parents house. my barefeet feel abused from the pokey dry grass, the air is thick and heavy, the conversation is loud, uncontrollably loud with emotion bubbling out of our pores like sweat. anger, sadness, confusion.

i dont’ remember if we are crying at the moment. most likely we have been, or will be again. we are worn down empty shells of our former selves.  we are all that is ugly in two people. this moment in the frontyard is something i won’t forget. it is the definitive moment in our lives when the path shifts a bit to the left, and not without pain. this is a moment that we will look back and remember as a life changing occurrence.

it is a leaving. a going. an acceptance of space.

and through my periphial vision, between words and tears, i see them walking past our house. it registers in my mind with everything else that is sloshing around in there. it’s the same mellow shaggy black dog on a well loved leash.  the woman wears her sunhat as usual, as i’ve seen her every day, twice a day for the past nine months. she’s been pregnant forever it seems.

i see it fitting that it is her walking past us, on this day, in this moment of loss and new life. i see it fitting because i remember having frontyard conversations over the months where she appeared just past our trees, always with the iPod, always with the shaggy dog, always with the pregnant belly. our paths always crossed this way. she must think this is the yard where people fight.

there’s something i have to confess. and it’s ugly. it’s something i hate about myself. and i don’t know how to get over it.

something happens to my insides when i see a pregnant woman. something like anger and resentment and bitterness bubbles up inside of me. i try to shove it down, i try to ignore it, but there it is rotting my insides, i can smell it on my breath. it’s sad, it’s all my ugliness laid out infront of pure glowing beauty. all my ugliness in the reflection of a goddess women symbolizing love and fertility. all my ugliness facing down nothing but purity and all of our futures within her womb. it’s so sad for me.

when i see a pregnant woman i am taken back to my own pregnancy. naive and blissed out. i loved being pregnant. but now i smile at pregnant women because that is what everyone does. i smile out of joy, out of fear, out of sadness. and i hate that. i smile in hope that she has better luck or better timing or better whatever. i smile in hope that she gets dealt a better hand of cards than we did. i smile at fate and chance. but it’s a tight lipped smile, i know this much is true… and yet i don’t know how to fix that about myself. i have unfinished business here it seems, in this birthing/mothering/parenting circle. i have unfinished business, and it’s big and painful and scary.

i’m jaded, i’m home from war. i shouldn’t be allowed around the innocent and naive. so i keep my mouth shut in this smiling way and swallow down the metallic taste that is all that i hoped my life to be, and all that it happened to become.

today, 47 days after that frontyard conversation… a month and a half after that major ‘Y’ in the road, river and i are sitting on the front porch enjoying the fall breeze, and i do a double take. from around our trees i see the black shaggy dog that i haven’t seen in over a month. the one i’ve been looking for lately, for that dog is a glimpse that everything is ok with momma. that dog being walked means that life prevailed, that life continues, and i need to know it must… for her but for me too. i see the well loved leash being held by an older woman. then i see her. the woman in the sunhat, and she’s pushing a stroller. with two infant carseats representing twins.

it all comes full circle.

today, 47 days after the wrecking ball, i smile at the joy in two babies. and i instantly think ‘no wonder she seemed pregnant for so long, she was carrying twins!’ and i smile for real because i’m laughing out of relief, but also because i notice that bitter taste has now been replaced with a sort of sweetness. i smile because her mom is here to help her and get her back into her life, as much as can happen after giving birth to two babies. i smile because i know i have mountains of work to do on myself. i think i’ve come to a space where i can allow myself this.

that day not long ago when my road split and i veered to the left, i couldn’t fathom how or why or when… but i think i’m finally on the right path.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ‘em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now 
From win and lose and still somehow 
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now 
From up and down, and still somehow 
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

Both Sides Now
~ Joni Mitchell