~

you
you are your own
as i have always known
you showed me truth in myself
undeniably, it came as all things do
over time.

you
you are not an accessory
you are not a side kick
but an extension of heart
a soul offering guidance,
needing guidance.

this missing is here now
and i’m beginning to see why
when it was nothing but shadow,
it stood in our peripherial vision
it slipped from our fingers down the drain,
out of sight out of mind

this missing is here now
because light was cast upon a shadow
the leaving was a gift
the shadow sprang to life
without one there would have been no other
and this is what makes it bittersweet.

it is not my missing
it’s yours
the extension of heart.

my missing is not for what was
for body, or presence
it was for hopes and dreams and wishes
i planted all those years ago
those that got uprooted, yanked, stomped,
ignored, shamed, scorched and flooded.

my missing is for time.
my missing is for place.

i can only hope that one day
you will feel it in your heart
possibly as the extension into a smaller being
thirty years from now
(you told me yesterday
‘when i am a daddy, i will have a little girl’)

maybe then it will be clear
when all things left unspoken will be known
the answers you may have had
but never asked
the stories that are not mine to share with you
the reality of the two lives lived separately.

maybe then you will know the why
without me ever speaking it.

and because i know you
when my soul intertwined yours
while in my womb
because i know you
i think you might understand
and that alone lifts my guilt

the guilt i carry for doing nothing wrong

i think you might understand
because i know you
and this lessons my burden
if only one rock at a time.