i haven’t cried in a long time. i realized this tonight as i felt that familiar burn creep up on me as i lay in the dark. me, the crier. i haven’t cried in a long time, but tonight i did because it suddenly hit me that i am it. i am the foundation. i am river’s rock. and that suddenly became heavy.
sometimes i get sad for him. sometimes i get lost in the future of his eyes and all the statistics and all the everything about life that is going down wrong right now. sometimes i get lost in that. in the fact that i feel very alone. and not alone in the simple sense of no other adults in my house. but alone in the sense of his future.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i got up after he fell asleep, i padded down the hall in my socked feet. i stepped around the usual creaky floorboards. the ones i have grown to know so well. i sat down and rubbed my eyes. feeling that intensity lifting in my chest as i greeted each emotion as they joined me on the couch. hello sadness, have a seat. hey there, bitter. long time no see. well, hello lost in the past for things i cannot change. hello memories, you are full of sadness and questions tonight. come sit beside me. put up your feet. you are full of wonderings and whys. you are full of feeling alone and remembering anxiety. you are full of ache for your newborn, your baby, your toddler, your son.
i sat in this moment. i planned on writing it down. i planned on releasing the buzzing bees in my caged heart. and then my phone rang. “is this a good time?” the voice asked. kindness. it’s the perfect time. it always is.
an hour later i hung up smiling. and i couldn’t remember what it was that i had wanted to write. i simply didn’t need to go back there, to that place of alone with buzzing bees. they had found another hive. poof. just like that. positivity begets positivity. love begets love. there’s no need to dwell. not right now atleast.
there’s always something, a bit of light somewhere, in someone i meet. a flash in their eyes, a story they share. i met someone this week who reminded me of a friend from long ago. it was the energy and spark of life. as the story unfolded and laughter subsided, i realized i was given a gift of foresight. the place it takes me is a place of youth and kindness and love. but what it gives me is truth in knowing my son will be just fine. i find that light where i can, in those i meet. it’s small today, right now it’s small like a marble; but i hold it in my hand and roll it around as i talk. and in doing so, i regain hope in the future.
i can see it in his eyes.
momma love trumps all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
music heals me, inspires me, encourages me to step outside myself and remember . i am not alone. i’m aware enough to know what words and thoughts bring me right back to that place i don’t want to be. not now. i thought tonight i needed to sit with that, but i didn’t. what i needed was to be reminded of love. love. love. it’s given that those words will gurgle to the surface again, they always do. they’re not lost, they’re fermenting. they’ll bubble up like sticky oil. they’re bound to peak and climax as we find our way along this new path. writing it down has been nothing but healing for me. but for now, today, it’s the music that rebuilds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t bring me no bad news, no bad news
I don’t need none of your bad news today
You’re a sad little boy
Anyone can see you’re just a sad little boy
That’s why you’re carrying on that way
Why don’t you burn it all down
Burn your own house down
Burn your own house down
Try to kill your own disease
And leave the rest of us
There’s a lot of us
Leave the rest of us
Who want to live in peace
To live in peace
I’m gonna find me a man
Love him so well
Love him so strong
Love him so slow
We’re gonna go way beyond
The walls of this fortress
And we won’t be afraid
No we won’t be afraid
And though the darkness may come our way
We won’t be afraid to be alive anymore
We’ll grow kindness in our hearts
For all the strangers among us
Until there are no strangers anymore
Don’t bring me no bad news, no bad news
I don’t need none of your bad news today
You can’t have my fear
I’ve got nothing to lose
Can’t have my fear
I’m not getting out of here alive anyway
And I don’t need none of these things
I don’t need none of these things I’ve been handed
And the bird of peace is flying over
She’s flying over
And coming in for a landing
~ Patty Griffin “No Bad News”
December 12, 2008 at 10:45 pm
yes love does trump all and high five to whoever rang just at the right moment. universe in alignment i’d say.
December 12, 2008 at 10:50 pm
that photo is remarkable.
and I know that feeling of alone.
I applaud the serendipity of the phone call…
December 12, 2008 at 11:32 pm
oof. My heart.
December 13, 2008 at 2:36 am
oh, where is that phonecall. I suck with phones but wish mine would ring somedays. I am so often in that exact moment – last person up, or somehow alone and so fearful, so sad of being alone, the one up alone, etc.etc. I remember this feeling from when I was very young, but somehow thought I would conquer it as an adult. I feel so childish when I realize how much it scares me when it comes knocking at my door. Your posting is beautiful.
December 13, 2008 at 8:00 am
Oh my, this was truly beautiful to read.
December 13, 2008 at 10:51 pm
I liked what you said..: “lost in the past for things i cannot change”. I feel that very often. Or not so often, but still… You are a poet.
I am glad that love rang the bell on your phone. You deserve love, and to know that you give love as well…; that’s what I think.
December 14, 2008 at 2:27 pm
How perfect to let them come, those emotions we usually run from, or ignore until they consume us. You are a special momma, more than many, many, many mommas and daddys united. Often there is little happiness in perfection.
December 14, 2008 at 11:38 pm
synchronicity is a powerful thing — have you ever seen the movie Wings of Desire by Wim Wenders? It’s about angels in Berling who want to be human to experience everything that humans experience. But as angels they float around, landing next to people who are sorrowful. They are invisible and might lay their hand on a grieving shoulder and then that person feels something and he doesn’t know what but he is lighter. I think that’s what your phone call was or something like it.
June 25, 2009 at 10:54 pm
[...] can change over the phone. how light my step. how broad my grin. because of you, my friend with impeccable timing who reaches me long distance as i’m fumbling to find shoes and lunchboxes with one arm under [...]