let it go

i resist. i’m stubborn in my impatience.

i see it. me. a reflection of me. i am nothing but shadow, silhouette, illusion of me. who i am, who i want to be, who i hope to become. something beautiful. something unknown. me the confused, the strong, the weak, the powerful.

i am there looking back at myself. i am in a painting. the trees are swirly and stretched across wavy grass. it’s me and my camera and only the memory, thought, tug at my heart of the boy at my feet riding his scooter on this gorgeous winter day.

i take alot of photos. i stand in one spot, i move around. i take alot of photos until i see it right. until i see how i wanted to see. and then it clicks.

this time it clicked for me, the angle, and yet there was nothing, no response from my camera. nothing but an image in my eye of beauty i want to paint.

my shutter won’t release.
please.
just this one last shot.
i need to see me this way.
i need to remember.

i need.
i need.

nothing.

i try all my tricks. all my superstitions. my begging and pleading. my warming up the camera battery. my making wishes and rubbing with my thumb as if those spots of lithium ion are buddha’s belly bringing me luck. bringing me one last photo. one last photo i wasted two minutes ago on a blurry mess of pretty weeds. gluttonous when i didnt’ know i needed to be rationing. give me a do-over. one last one!

“let it go” a voice tells me.
“no” i stomp, ever the brat child in need of instant gratification. i’ve learned that stomping won’t get me my way but i do it anyway because old habits die hard. i stomp, even if only to myself.
“i can write about this” i think as i feel that let down of want gone wanting.

i can try again tomorrow. with a fully charged battery. i can try to remember to stand in the same spot. the same door. the same trees. but will i be the same me? what about the light? the mood? the moment is gone. and it won’t be the same tomorrow. i won’t be as happy as i was right now. it’ll show in the photo. it’ll be all wrong.

let it go.
because there’s nothing else to do but walk back to the car and head back to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you will believe me when i say that i am that stubborn. i went back today on my lunch break. river didnt’ want to ride his scooter. we walked. back to the same spot. on a much warmer day. me without the hat. without the peace.

and on the way over the hills and past the park benches, river asks “what’s this?” and i look down at my feet and see what i was meant to see. what it was that drew me back. and i smiled and my shutter clicked.

in that moment, i remembered.
and i saw the beauty of letting go.

and i took the photo, the one i stubbornly craved. the one where the trees become arms reaching out across me, cradling me in a safe momma nest. but what it had become on this different day wasnt’ what i wanted anyway. i wasnt’ meant to come for the image. i was meant to return for the words.