laughing in the wind

we cruise together like this, you and me. we are only new in this way of time passing, days growing longer, feet reaching the pedals, wind in our faces. we needed this. this today of memories. this today of thoughts to be pulled from your mind with the wind in your lungs.

this is you and me. this is the image and memory i want to engrave in your mind. our good times, real moments occur around us all the time. i sense them near and i want to reach out and hold them forever. we are beautiful, you and me. like today, our first bike ride this way. you are so grown here in this photo, this day of firsts. i see so much for us. i hold it all in my heart and with strong hands holding tight we make our way up and down the hills. the excitement of the breeze and the speed of free fall then the soreness of the strength needed to climb up the hills.

we were laughing so much today. you and me. laughing in the wind down big big hills. we were all picnics. snowcones. bike ride enjoyment. mother and child. two people enjoying one another’s presence.

we were laughing so much that i forgot all about the fixation on death you have these days. how true sadness pours from the corners of your eyes and catches in your throat when you think of death. “i don’t want to die, liam will miss me!” the words i speak to comfort you. your dreams leave me speechless and wanting more. “momma how did i dream i wanted one last hug and kiss before you died?”

all this death talk ages me not just in your dreams. “i was old right? i had white hair?” i ask to which you say defiantly, “i won’t tell you.” all through the eyes of a serious soul, with just a hidden smile, a boy in a tree, a hug around my knee.

you are growing and absorbing the big wide world around you. it is beautiful. it is scary. it is unkind words, it is hurt feelings, it is disappointments, it is skinned knees and melancholy souls. it is all things i’d protect you from but cannot. life is simply being human and feeling it all. and you do.

“i want you to stay new.” you tell me surrounded by water and boats that float in the tub as night falls. i didn’t understand. “i want you to stay new like you are now.”

new.

that i am. and so are you.

together, i think we’ll stay this way for a long long time. it’s most certainly a good place to be. where you’ll always be my little boy riding behind me catching my laughter as it rides on the wind.