at home

come see me over at Cafe Mom today for a home and garden tour!

what does home mean to you?

space between

i emptied my purse all over the floor. a bag i hadn’t used in probably a year, one i pulled from the back of my closet because i couldn’t find the green one i really wanted for this evening. this friday of firsts. this every other weekend that now spans 48 hours of time alone.

‘this one will do’ i thought as i dumped the contents onto the carpet. often i feel this hurry up aspect to these weekends. hurry up and get here, hurry up and leave, hurry up and come back to me. this is new to me, this side of single motherhood. when he is gone from me i feel as though part of me is missing.

it’s every other weekend that i step into new shoes, new handbags and head out to find myself. who am i again? am i these shoes? am i this purse? of course i’m not. but it’s fun to play like i’m a grown-up.

i am the steps between, as my heels lift and carry me down the sidewalk. i am that gap of air, fresh and new.

the other day river and i stepped out the front door and he announced to everyone and no one in particular, “the air is perfect!”

~~~~~~~~~~

last year i threw my heart into hope. and at the same time, i discovered that hope notes were being hidden, stashed, handed out across america in a sort of belief that we as humans would remember to find our way. hopefully, with hope, we’d remember that we are all in this together. that we are all the same.

around the time i spread my hope notes, my photos, i also wrote down words. plain and simple. at the end of the summer i tucked them into my bag for just the right moment. then suddenly, (not so suddenly, it was actually very much like slow motion) life as i knew it had changed.

i changed my purse with the season. i packed my bags.

these words hibernated in my closet all year. i thought they needed me to deliver them, but what i found was that they were just waiting for me to read them. to remember them and hear them.

i have no idea where they came from, but i’m glad they found me today. the day i scattered the contents of my bag on the floor. the day i walked away and came back at midnight to find this one; this beauty in the space, floating on top, waiting for my eyes to see after almost a year. i almost didn’t recognize my handwriting, so much has changed about me.

my words sat there on the floor, smiling. looking up at me on the day that i am most needing to remember the beauty of space. because right now i am completely in between. jobs, schools, loves. and there is beauty here in this space in time. space in air. space in nothingness. it’s only in this space that i’m learning the beauty of patience.

fly

this is certainly not the most difficult thing i’ve had to do this year. this past year of firsts, of fucked up shit and barrels of emotion. this past year of anger and sadness and leaving behind old hates. this past year of huge jumps into the blinding light of oblivion. leaps that quite honestly, don’t even look good on paper. this past year makes no logical sense. this past year i’ve been driven by heart. and just to make sure i’ve learned my lesson, i’m given it twice. one male. one female. i’ve had to jump again. i’ve had to fly one time. one more time. 

i resign. i will not work for someone who disrespects me. repeatedly. a snake in the grass. i will not work when there is no trust. life is too damn short for mind games. this is not what i am teaching my son. i will not allow this in my life any longer. and so i resign.

there is quiet because my feet have lifted off the ground. i am hovering over two paths that diverge left and right. i am mid-air. i am dizzy from flight looking for the right landing spot. hoping i don’t crash and burn. there is quiet here in this space because i am looking for work, polishing resumes, searching for schools for river. there is quiet here because i am hurrying up and waiting. there is quiet here because i’m in survival mode with single motherhood and dirty dishes, childhood nightmares and i love you’s. there is quiet here because i am growing prayers and faith and belief and trust. it requires alot of silence.

my heart will not lead me astray.
life is just that important.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have an ability
It’s pounding at my door.
Screaming for more.

In the world that owes you nothing
you give everything.
Everything.

And now I’m caught in between
but I can’t leave behind
the world I may never find.
So fly one time.
So fly one time.

Standing at the edge of your life.
At the edge of our lives.
Don’t hold on
There’s no fighting back the years
so hard to unlearn fears.

Now your caught between
what you can’t leave behind.
And all that you may never find.
So fly, just fly
just fly one time.

I’ve seen you so clearly, so clearly up so high.
I see you up so clearly, up so clearly, up so high.

And now your caught in between
what you can’t leave behind.
And what you may, what we may never find.
So fly, so fly one time.
So clearly so clearly so high.
If i would die,
just fly one time.
If you fly one time.

~ ben harper and the relentless 7

mother love

happy mother’s day!

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. ~Marion C. Garretty