project 365

2010 will be the year… a photo a day project. something to help me maintain focus and find beauty in the everyday. something to keep me grounded for the upcoming year of changes. 

if you’re curious you can follow my 365 project on flickr

sundowning

i flew into the sunset for four hours.
suspended in air above the fog hidden in cotton candy clouds.
i fly towards a destination that seems to never grow closer.
this was by far the most heartbreakingly beautiful sunset i’ve ever seen. and not one i’ll soon forget.

 

rise and shine

*The term “sundowning” refers to a state of confusion at the end of the day and into the night. Sundowning isn’t a disease, but a symptom that often occurs in people with dementia.

as though i had wings

“I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart pumping hard, 

I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.”

~ Starlings in Winter by Mary Oliver

he speaks from the silence of the backseat. “i would never go somewhere without you.” i keep my hands on the wheel as my vision gets blurred for a moment from tears. “i know. me neither, babe. i would never go somewhere without you.” 

we make these promises to each other. promises that will go flat as soon as the sun rises tomorrow. when we each board our separate planes in separate cities and fly in separate directions.

oof. ten days away.

we make these promises to each other for all of our futures. for all the days that are not tomorrow. i know what he means though, and he knows i feel the same. we make these promises even though we are going somewhere without one another. for the first time ever. you will go, my love, i will say goodbye and goodbye and goodbye. i will chant “just bring him home safe” over and over again in my mind. you’ll wear your magic marble and our strings will connect us even when our hearts will be stretched over many miles of coast.

“how are there not two moons? how are we looking at the same moon when you are so far away from me?”

this invisible string connects us all to those we love. when i first told him this, his eyes shone as he asked, “can i pull you to me in florida?” and i laughed at the visual of his fifty pound body pulling and tugging with all his might… and me suddenly appearing out of thin air in his hotel room with all my former in-laws.

he thinks i am wonder woman. he tells me so.
somedays i believe him.
but not today.

what i believe is that we’ll all find light on the other side of the equinox. 
this, just like everything, is simply part of the journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

peace and love to all of you.
those you are with
and those you are missing.

xo,
meredith

light in darkness

i write in morse code. a series of dots and dashes, patterned with hidden messages and secret meanings. it’s a sort of shield to catch too much truth before it spills. yes, these are dark days. yes, there is more to that. yes, there is a new moon and we are spinning towards the equinox ever so slowly.

i stand under this tree holding his hand. we spin ourselves dizzy. it’s an austin tradition, and one i do with thousands of others each year because i secretly hope i can spin my wish into reality. as if a string of bokeh holiday lights can make a wish come true.

he laughs and i stumble and i lose track of who is adult and who is child.

please join me at shutter sisters today and read more on how i try to find the light while surrounded by darkness.

the only thing worth saying

“Connected by a silver cord that hums with sadness
the further it is stretched.”
~ StoryPeople

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you

my silence is wrecking me. i have no words and so “i love you” is all i say. all i think. to the girl behind the counter. the man behind the steering wheel. to the ex and his girlfriend who mothers my son. to the mean kids in school. to the mothers and fathers everywhere. to the children screaming hate and hurt. “i love you” is all i think, all that matters. everyone somewhere is hurting. everyone somewhere is acting out of fear, everyone somewhere is slowly losing someone they love, everyone somewhere is learning their coping mechanisms and just trying to get through the day. everyone everywhere is just wanting to be loved. and so “i love you” is all i can do.

my business-like mind in handling matters of high family emotion is twisting my spine into something unrecognizeable.  i don’t know how i am actually making progress, moving forward, other than to simply put one foot infront of another. then another. then another.

step. step. shuffle. trudge. shuffle.

last year? last year life was a trip in the blender. 
this year? this year life is a spooky dark woods and i’m a scared little kid.

and there are no words yet, other than i love you. no words of prognosis no words of what life looks like down the road. there are no words yet in this place of wait and worry and wait some more. there are no words other than i love you, while trying to plan your life around something so blurry as dementia.

remember all that talk about juggling? letting the balls drop? yeah, that’s bullshit. that was me in a good place. the truth is that this is the mouse wheel, the dizzymaker, the nauseator. this is the egg cracking, the paper thin membrane unable to hold the goo. and if you drop those balls you’re gonna crack wide open and splatter on those standing nearby. at that point you’ll be of no use to anyone. so hold it together. be strong. say i love you until you cry.

this is nine days away from our longest separation ever. two planes in two different directions. this is christmas and worry and missing and mothers and sons being reunited only ten days later.

this is nine days away from my mother my mother my mother. the longing for what can’t be and the missing for something that was lost in transition. i never got to say goodbye and so i say i love you.

what my dad has told me since birth holds true.
“nothing is forever”
“life is not fair” 
“be good”

and so i find it strange
his answer, “yup”
to the only thing worth saying,
“i love you.”

dreams of snow

we lived sky high
10,000 feet
mountain peak
boulder valley

canvas tipi
canvas dome
nothing more than one inch
separating you from the winter outside

frozen precipitation pitter pattered
crying like tears streaming down the windows
the woodstove crackled
the dogs snored

the snow would come quietly
bringing a hush all around
the winter woods in snow
total silence
the absolute quiet
i miss

it’s snowing in dallas today
and we’re making paper snowflakes in austin.