take off-1

this is certainly not the most difficult thing i’ve had to do this year. this past year of firsts, of fucked up shit and barrels of emotion. this past year of anger and sadness and leaving behind old hates. this past year of huge jumps into the blinding light of oblivion. leaps that quite honestly, don’t even look good on paper. this past year makes no logical sense. this past year i’ve been driven by heart. and just to make sure i’ve learned my lesson, i’m given it twice. one male. one female. i’ve had to jump again. i’ve had to fly one time. one more time. 

i resign. i will not work for someone who disrespects me. repeatedly. a snake in the grass. i will not work when there is no trust. life is too damn short for mind games. this is not what i am teaching my son. i will not allow this in my life any longer. and so i resign.

there is quiet because my feet have lifted off the ground. i am hovering over two paths that diverge left and right. i am mid-air. i am dizzy from flight looking for the right landing spot. hoping i don’t crash and burn. there is quiet here in this space because i am looking for work, polishing resumes, searching for schools for river. there is quiet here because i am hurrying up and waiting. there is quiet here because i’m in survival mode with single motherhood and dirty dishes, childhood nightmares and i love you’s. there is quiet here because i am growing prayers and faith and belief and trust. it requires alot of silence.

my heart will not lead me astray.
life is just that important.


I have an ability
It’s pounding at my door.
Screaming for more.

In the world that owes you nothing
you give everything.

And now I’m caught in between
but I can’t leave behind
the world I may never find.
So fly one time.
So fly one time.

Standing at the edge of your life.
At the edge of our lives.
Don’t hold on
There’s no fighting back the years
so hard to unlearn fears.

Now your caught between
what you can’t leave behind.
And all that you may never find.
So fly, just fly
just fly one time.

I’ve seen you so clearly, so clearly up so high.
I see you up so clearly, up so clearly, up so high.

And now your caught in between
what you can’t leave behind.
And what you may, what we may never find.
So fly, so fly one time.
So clearly so clearly so high.
If i would die,
just fly one time.
If you fly one time.

~ ben harper and the relentless 7

8 thoughts on “fly”

  1. You inspire me to care more for myself by watching you care for yourself. You will find the right job, it’s waiting for you. Take care.

  2. your heart will lead you. this i know. that’s one powerful mother woman heart you have.

  3. This is beautiful, terrible, thrilling, terrifying, and full-full-full of life. I think of you and the Riverman almost every day and love you all of the time. kyraanderson has it so right:

    “Powerful Mother Woman Heart”.

    “Powerful Mother Woman Heart”.

    You will rise, and fly, and land on fertile ground again.

  4. yes ben good good stuff, just heard that song today on our local station. you are very right to not allow someone to mistreat you. not ok. river will learn to stand tall for himself just as you. xo

  5. Tonight at bedtime, we were doing Mad Libs. Greg asked Aviva for an adverb. “What’s an adverb?” she asked. He told her any word that ended with “ly.” “Fly,” she said, instantly. Fly. You are free and you sure know how to listen.

  6. oh shit meredith. (i feel free to curse here) it is clear you are/will/have been flying, with spirit, and there will be no crash and burn…just more perspective. here’s a silent hug for you and river.

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