space between

i emptied my purse all over the floor. a bag i hadn’t used in probably a year, one i pulled from the back of my closet because i couldn’t find the green one i really wanted for this evening. this friday of firsts. this every other weekend that now spans 48 hours of time alone.

‘this one will do’ i thought as i dumped the contents onto the carpet. often i feel this hurry up aspect to these weekends. hurry up and get here, hurry up and leave, hurry up and come back to me. this is new to me, this side of single motherhood. when he is gone from me i feel as though part of me is missing.

it’s every other weekend that i step into new shoes, new handbags and head out to find myself. who am i again? am i these shoes? am i this purse? of course i’m not. but it’s fun to play like i’m a grown-up.

i am the steps between, as my heels lift and carry me down the sidewalk. i am that gap of air, fresh and new.

the other day river and i stepped out the front door and he announced to everyone and no one in particular, “the air is perfect!”

~~~~~~~~~~

last year i threw my heart into hope. and at the same time, i discovered that hope notes were being hidden, stashed, handed out across america in a sort of belief that we as humans would remember to find our way. hopefully, with hope, we’d remember that we are all in this together. that we are all the same.

around the time i spread my hope notes, my photos, i also wrote down words. plain and simple. at the end of the summer i tucked them into my bag for just the right moment. then suddenly, (not so suddenly, it was actually very much like slow motion) life as i knew it had changed.

i changed my purse with the season. i packed my bags.

these words hibernated in my closet all year. i thought they needed me to deliver them, but what i found was that they were just waiting for me to read them. to remember them and hear them.
note to self-1
i have no idea where they came from, but i’m glad they found me today. the day i scattered the contents of my bag on the floor. the day i walked away and came back at midnight to find this one; this beauty in the space, floating on top, waiting for my eyes to see after almost a year. i almost didn’t recognize my handwriting, so much has changed about me.

my words sat there on the floor, smiling. looking up at me on the day that i am most needing to remember the beauty of space. because right now i am completely in between. jobs, schools, loves. and there is beauty here in this space in time. space in air. space in nothingness. it’s only in this space that i’m learning the beauty of patience.

9 thoughts on “space between”

  1. The space between, holds the key to beauty and healing. I’ve always found myself seeking out those moments when I can fall into those between moments to gather myself back up and simply just be. (Hugs)Indigo

  2. Breathe those words in and out, in and out, each time he walks out the door. Change your shoes, keep your breathing, and those 48 hours will go by and then, yes, you’ll feel whole again. I remember those moments– those first times as a single mom that I watched his little heels disappear into a car that wasn’t mine, with a man that I no longer loved, but loved because he too was part of the piece that made me whole. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, staring into the air and trying to see it– the molecules bumping each other– the constant motion and confusion that seizes even the very breath of life. Looking back to nine years ago, the me I was then…in those first quiet 48 hour spurts, is only a memory. But it is a memory that ties me to strength. To self discovery. To mothering the way I do today. And to joy. Yes, even joy. Here’s to the space between– a space of healing and hope and new futures…

  3. yes, and yes!! both you and kate said it very well. the dave matthew’s song ‘the space between’ was literally the sound track of my divorce. when i would stare off into space that song would always emerge as a reminder. i think this is really where life happens- in this space between. i once heard a buddhist monk say that the only time we’re at peace in our body is the moment between exhale and inhale when we are still and not breathing at all. this is that place to me. many people are too preoccupied to notice it.

    ps- i’m 4 yrs in and trust me when i say you will eventually look forward to these 48 hrs!

  4. Coming across this today was very powerful for me having recently seperated from my husband. I have only had one weekend so far without my gems and your words decsribed so well how i was feeling during their absence. And now I’m going to go and write that quote on a large piece of paper and hang it in my bedroom and try to believe things will get better, that we’re doing the right thing.

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