as though i had wings

“I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart pumping hard, 

I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.”

Starlings in Winter by Mary Oliver

he speaks from the silence of the backseat. “i would never go somewhere without you.” i keep my hands on the wheel as my vision gets blurred for a moment from tears. “i know. me neither, babe. i would never go somewhere without you.” 

we make these promises to each other. promises that will go flat as soon as the sun rises tomorrow. when we each board our separate planes in separate cities and fly in separate directions.

oof. ten days away.

we make these promises to each other for all of our futures. for all the days that are not tomorrow. i know what he means though, and he knows i feel the same. we make these promises even though we are going somewhere without one another. for the first time ever. you will go, my love, i will say goodbye and goodbye and goodbye. i will chant “just bring him home safe” over and over again in my mind. you’ll wear your magic marble and our strings will connect us even when our hearts will be stretched over many miles of coast.

“how are there not two moons? how are we looking at the same moon when you are so far away from me?”

this invisible string connects us all to those we love. when i first told him this, his eyes shone as he asked, “can i pull you to me in florida?” and i laughed at the visual of his fifty pound body pulling and tugging with all his might… and me suddenly appearing out of thin air in his hotel room with all my former in-laws.

he thinks i am wonder woman. he tells me so.
somedays i believe him.
but not today.

what i believe is that we’ll all find light on the other side of the equinox. 
this, just like everything, is simply part of the journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

peace and love to all of you.
those you are with
and those you are missing.

xo,
meredith

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