embrace the chaos

i’ve started packing.

again.

i’m prepared for my life to spin upside down for the next two weeks until i move us into our new home two miles away. yes, i’m moving. into the shady tree lined neighborhood where river will start kindergarten. yes, a house with a backyard. yes, a house!

and so i’m packing.

it’s true, i don’t like chaos. it gets me all flustered, scattered, wonky. i like to feel in control, i like things to reflect permanence. objects neat and tidy and in their place. maybe that has something to do with my classical music training, i never was good at improvisation.

i guess i’m learning.

because today, it all began unravelling. and it was the first time in a long time that i had to stop what i was doing, grab a pen and paper and sit down immediately to scribble a few words.

and that felt good.

maybe there’s a kernel of truth in the embrace. in the why of why i move around so much. sometimes i wonder if he was right, if i really won’t ever be happy. and then i think, so what?

i stop to watch the swirling that is going on around me. i stop and feel the flutter in my heart, the brain activity, the muscles moving in unfamiliar ways. and i wonder if maybe i secretly like the chaos. if it actually allows me the freedom to not be in control for once in my life. 

the freedom to let go.

all i know is that life keeps moving forward and my heart beats out rhythms undeniable and i find myself in this place of transition once again. except this time, it’s under very different circumstances. truth be told, sometimes i don’t recognize that broken woman who wrote from that place not so long ago. it’s so far now from where i’ve come. and for that i am grateful. i shake my head in the wonder of it.

let’s keep moving forward.

who knows maybe somewhere in my core, this chaos reminds me of home. of where i come from. because when you come from so many different places, how can you simply call one place home? maybe this frequent purge and upheaval is what my soul requires of me.

i’m not in a position to ask or deny it’s own truth. for now, all i must do is embrace it … and pack.

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