where i’ve been
we need to talk.
i feel distant.
and i’m not sure what to do about it. but i’ve found that talking usually helps especially if others are open to listening. so, please allow me the space to sort it out. i love you, you know i do. and i want to take care of you because you have provided for me in many ways i can’t even begin to express with words. i just don’t have enough hands right now.
the truth is when i think of where i’ve come from, and that i’ve been writing to you, this blog, for four and a half years, i begin to feel a little claustrophobic. i know that feeling emotionally distant is different from being too busy to write.
part of that is due to being without internet for over a week while i moved. part of it is the accumulation of many other things. summer is upon us. time is slipping through my hands as river and i are about to say a big goodbye for the month of august. i’m processing my mother’s illness in strange and unusual ways. i’m preparing for an upcoming trip to the east coast that will be both bitter and sweet and very much needed.
and so what happens is i withdraw. hibernate. quiet down the voices in my mind so i can scramble for some peace and direction. i know you understand. and the thing i love most about you, dear blog, is that you are always here when i’m ready to come back to center. and you don’t judge me for time away, or having changed, or being too sad or too happy or too selfish. you accept me for who i am even when that is someone that is always changing.
through all of this, i am very thankful that i am knee-deep into my 365 project (today marks day 200 of 365, does that make me thigh-high in it?) focusing on images when i simply have to let the words go, is what has been keeping me afloat through all of this chaos around me.
every single day i take a photo. one photo. it holds me accountable. it gives me the feeling that i am doing something. accomplishing something. when most often i feel that i’m doing nothing more than treading water.
more importantly, it helps me see everything i want to remember. all the good, the bad, the ugly. all the real life of our day to day. all of it.
what i want most is to be out in the world. to feel it alive on my skin. to do more than just get by, but to accept all that is around me. today was a start back on the path of motivation. today i took a photowalk with a friend, and i was eager to go through the photos and put together a slideshow to share here in this space. this poor neglected blog of mine.
my blog is more forgiving of me than i am of myself.
as a peace offering, click below to see the slideshow: a walk through east austin. it’s where i’ve been. it’s not where i’m at, but where my feet carried me and what i saw when i got there. photos edited in honor of the beggar’s banquet album which seemed to seep into the crevasses of post-processing.