exhale

since arriving home mid-august, i haven’t let myself really stop to think about things i’m holding in my heart. i keep myself going going going running the mouse wheel til it sparks and threatens combustion on my sorry ass. maybe it’s how i’m processing things, handling life, juggling torches.

i am doing. i am being.
i am not always breathing as deeply as i should be.

that nagging voice in my head, the one that sounds just like me but a bit more nasal-y (and definitely more annoying) keeps telling me to stop… to slow down… to sit and write. that writing might actually help my health and my sleep and my worries. but i brush her off because i’m a know-it-all and she’s a control freak so we do our inner battle to see who’s going to win. i’m stubborn, but she’s smarter… and deep deep down i know it’s going to hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. like a stereotypical cartoon buffoon with stars and tweety birds around her head. what i’m doing is ginormous. that’s not even a word, because the weight of what i’m doing doesn’t even have a word.

i am my mothers daughter. she taught me in ways i never knew she was teaching me. now, only now, can i see it. all of it as lessons. and all that i am remembering. all that i am forgetting. it makes me laugh or cry on good or bad days. it makes me eat ice cream with chocolate covered gummy bears. (yes, those do actually exist. and yes, they are terrible and oh-so-good)

sometimes i watch myself from the outside of me, and it becomes clear what i am doing. and what i’m doing right now is gathering mothers to me. all the women she  gathered to herself. i have found them, and they have found me and deemed themselves honorary “aunties”. these are the women pushed together in strollers by the grandmother i never knew. these are the women who went to kindergarten with my mom, elementary school, high school, college. they were in each others weddings. and they will be at her funeral when that day arrives. fuck. i’m going to need all the mothers i can get.

let’s not get ahead of ourselves. i must say, it’s easy to do.
it’s the sidetrack that leads me right back to death.
when instead i should be looking out the window at the scenery.
i should be catching wind in my hair and bugs in my teeth from smiling at this life i have right now.
today. this very moment.

which is exactly why i’ve been hibernating this week.

this week, we came through the first five days of kindergarten. this week my art was up for auction (via blogher and kirtsy) to benefit the nature conservancy. this week my photography was over on designmom, and a favorite photo of mine was on exhibit in Vermont. it’s been a busy week.

but right now? it’s time to exhale.

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