i choose love

…and then there’s the elephant. the one in the middle of the room.  the one that we step around careful of its stink and swatting tail…

“you don’t have to sugar coat things,” he says.
“i won’t always know what to say,” he says.

and that makes it better, because neither will i and i find myself apologizing for my use of expletives but this is just so fucked up. and sometimes the only thing that helps is throwing sailor curses at this stinking fucking elephant taking up precious fucking brain space.

i am thankful for friends.  new friends who feel familiar. light and joy and lilting sing-song voices. i am thankful for this.

no one says anything. because no one knows anything, other than she will die.  but we don’t know when.  other than she will continue to fall and break bones and remain feeble and agitated. this woman who never hurt a fly is slamming doors and bitch slapping neighbors.

she’s fighting for her life.
and i’m not ready to lose her.
nor am i ready to face her reality.

so, we’re left drifting.  bobbing in the hot sun as waves go up and down, making us queasy. there are no more words other than sad. heartwrenching. i’m sorry. and love.

and so i choose love.