blah blah blah. whatever.
parenting is messy. that is all.
he shoves it down. squeezing tears away with seven year old fingers. dirt under the nails. i see myself in him. in what i inadvertantly taught him perhaps. in trying to be strong. i see myself in him. in what we share of temperaments. nature vs. nurture. in trying to be strong, resilient, over the years of single mothering. in needing to be strong, i would wipe my hands of tears. i would write them out instead. let the tears fall as ink on paper.
those old habits no longer fit. life has grown. and with that growth comes strength and support of partnership. we teach from our every day. we act as reminders to each other that art and life are counterbalancing. that we create to escape. and that others view to escape as well. we can do that for each other. we paint ourselves in our best light, in hopes to become that best light. we talk, we listen, we stumble. and when i catch his eye in the rearview mirror i know he sees this in me as well. it’s hard to let in love when you unknowingly built a wall to protect yourself. we are human. and we are simply figuring it out… just like everyone else.
and so i take photos. this is the distraction. i know this. i see my patterns now more clearly. it’s all part of the journey. with memories swirling like shadows, our past is very much present with every step we take. it’s how we move forward that matters.
(i tell myself this not because i know it but because i want to remember it)
this is the seeing and breathing and living and learning that comes with the title MOM.
oh the songs people will sing for home
and for the ones that have been gone for too long
oh the things that people will do for the ones that they love.
for us the remedy is always music.
tonight my sweetheart and i are going to lose ourselves in some live music.
and the timing couldn’t be more perfect.
a belated birthday gift to me.
a date to find our head and our heart in portland.